Toxic Clutter

Photo Credit: Jr Korpa

“Clutter is not just physical stuff. It’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits. It’s anything that does not support your better self.” ~ Eleanor Brown

Today’s blog isn’t really a blog. It’s more of a long-winded excuse, although I prefer to call it an explanation. I’m in a difficult down curve. Mister was supposed to have surgery on Wednesday. We’d been preparing for months. When his surgery was cancelled last minute due to delays and emergencies, after eight hours of poised readiness in the noisy, distracting waiting room, I plummeted into a heavy emotional space. I didn’t know why I was taking the unexpected shift of events so badly, F-bombs dropping like a firing squad. Now I do. Toxic Clutter.

My process of awareness began in my sleep. Or really, my lack thereof. Awake at four am Thursday morning, I sat down at my laptop, ready to write a first draft of my blog. Instead, I opened my Inbox and started scrolling through a backlog of emails. One I’d been avoiding for several weeks jumped out at me. I’d been putting it off, waiting for the “right time,” believing I needed to reflect and ponder without a zillion health challenges distracting me before responding. But that only led to toxic emotions cluttering my heart and my brain.

No wonder being told to go home, that the surgery wasn’t going to happen, had the power to undo me. I had a shitload of heavy, painful, unprocessed memories from the past taking up so much space, there was no room to go inward and find my strength. I wasn’t grounded. My fuel tank wasn’t empty, I was running on fumes. You’d think I’d just been told the world was ending, my reaction was so unwarranted and dramatic. I sank into a deep quick-sand slump, feeling overwhelmed with thoughts like “what’s the use?” and “why me?” and “stupid, overloaded medical system,” swirling through my brain with toxic persistence.

I was still determined to write my blog, driven to follow through with my commitment to my readers. In some tiny corner of my brain, I knew I had to deal with my email first. The early hour felt fitting, so I started writing a draft of my reply. As I did, themes of healing and reconciliation planted a seed, and I imagined they were the fodder for today’s blog. I was wrong. I tried, but I couldn’t write a coherent sentence, let alone a blog post. I closed my laptop and went downstairs.

After coffee, breakfast, and some conversation with Mister, I went back up to my office, resolute to try again. I decided I would write a piece about fatherhood in honour of Father’s Day on Sunday, but still, my muse was not inspired. I have dedicated more than one blog, not to mention an entire novel to my father, so that perspective felt done. My son just become a father recently, my grandson arriving on Monday earlier than anticipated, so I have all kinds of juicy, heartfelt material for that, but it felt like a poor boundary. That’s his story to tell, not mine.

I took another break, wracked out on the couch with the Winnipeg Free Press Book Pages. The front page article, Calls to Action by Rose LeMay, about the road to reconciliation in Canada, reaffirmed my earlier draw to that theme. But when I returned to the task of writing a blog and started jotting down ideas, the flow still wasn’t there. Maybe next week.

I felt the pressure of time shrinking. I felt sick to my stomach at the possibility of not posting a blog. Unlikely my small readership would be so devastated, but that’s how I roll. After staring at a blank screen, typing and deleting, then doing it all over again, a sudden urge came over me, my yoga mat calling to me to from the cozy nook. An hour of meditative yin postures produced two full pages of notes. But when I attempted to transform my notes into a blog post, my creative juices were dried up again like an old prune long past the expiration date.

Writer’s block is very, very unusual for me. I won’t say I take it for granted, but I’d estimate that ninety-eight percent of the time when I sit down to write it just flows. I know what I want to say and mostly how, with a few tweaks, reroutes and edits along the way. At this point, you must be wondering, dear reader, just what is the point of today’s ramble?

I’m not sure myself but I suppose I’m showing how toxic clutter in our hearts and minds has the power to destroy creativity. At least it’s clear to me. I need to process these challenging feelings and quiet my tyrannic mind before I will be able to write anything worth sharing. And so it is with great humility that I apologize for this drivel and close up shop. Maybe by next week I will have done the work. Until then, dear reader, stay well.

COMING UP…

Books & Projects:

·      All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.

·      I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.

Reviews & Interviews:

·      You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.

Events:

·      There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.

YouTube Channel:

·      Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.

·      Watch The Holding trailer.

·      Watch The Healing trailer.