I Am

Photo Credit: Federico Beccari

 “Ningosha anishaa wenjii-bimoseyan”— “I am the reason you walk.” ~ Wab Kinew

First

I am spaciousness and light. No end, no beginning. Part of the Great I am. A pull. A tug. With a sudden shift in awareness, a fierce jolt catapults me through space and time. Twirling, swirling, weightless. Suddenly, I am form. In total darkness, contained in a single cell. Eternity shrinks and condenses. Slowing, stretching, pumping, pulsing, thinking, feeling, seeing, hearing, sensing, expanding, squeezing, squishing, tearing, piercing. A powerful force propels me towards blinding light and blaring sound. Cold pinpricks on my skin. I breathe air. I am held. I am loved.

Then

I am curious, confident, content. I am “too sensitive, too trusting, too naive.” I experience novel sensations in this whole new dimension of forms. I feel connected: mother, father, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Crying, quiet, hungry, full, wet, dry, tired, rested, waving, chewing, babbling, crawling, speaking, walking. I learn, grow, explore, intuit and feel in this new world. I encounter dark forms. A shapeshifting wolf-magician, light thief. My essence retreats to the spaciousness I came from, where I am safe and protected.

Again

I am a vessel so far-flung from my beginnings I don’t remember— except in dreams. When I awaken, I’m still asleep, unconscious. I have forgotten where I came from. Years pass. Three times, seeds take hold in my womb. I feel their essence, briefly. A new kind of love blooms inside me each time, their movements like butterfly kisses. Kicking, rolling, diving, squishing, pressing, cramping, bleeding, contracting, breathing, holding, nurturing, protecting, providing, teaching, modelling. I try, but fail, to keep them safe from the darkness, because it isn’t possible. I am not even aware of my failure. I am a naïve dreamer, my head buried in the sand.

And Again

I am tired. Stretched beyond capacity, the realm of doing so full there is no space to be. I encourage and support my children and husband. My students receive more from me than I find time to give myself. I am barely someone, and even she is not me. I am full of great sorrow, my body is sick. I inject insulin into my body to stay alive. Struggling, barely surviving, crying, hurting, dissolving, fearing. Then rising, thriving, laughing, healing, joyful, expanding, loving. These vast polarities of experience mirror the twin nature of my husband’s form. I am spread too thin. My light is dimming. I am afraid.

And Again

I am determined to rekindle my light and rediscover my authentic purpose. I encourage myself to read, explore, pray, and relearn to listen to my intuition. My path has few rules and a small, eclectic community. It is an inward journey. I am filled with hope, that my questing will be blessed with the answers I seek. Healing, journalling, practicing yoga, praying, lighting incense, searching, exploring, leaping, leaving, endings and beginnings, moving towards light. I connect with Goddess energy, the teachings of Jesus, the Buddha and Tolle. I uncover who I am by listening to the Great I am. Open, honest, and intuitive.

Now

I trust the process of life, willing to be vulnerable, courageous and brave. I follow where my journey leads me and embrace a new path of purpose. I explore new teachings, tribe and community, but my searching keeps pulling me in. Dark and light energies are just different colours that strengthen my resilience. Belonging, traveling, learning, loving, moving, praying, writing, encouraging, listening. My intuition guides me to pursue the big, bold dreams that ignite my passion. Uncertainty, illness, dreams undone as new visions take hold in my heart and mind. I am spaciousness and light. No end, no beginning. Part of the Great I am.

COMING UP…

Books & Projects:

·      All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.

·      I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.

Reviews & Interviews:

·      You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.

Events:

·      There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.

YouTube Channel:

·      Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.

·      Watch The Holding trailer.

·      Watch The Healing trailer.