Okay, Okay

Photo Credit: Quino Al

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” ~ Michael. J. Fox

Happiness is a temporary, reactive state to an outer stimulus or event. As Michael J. Fox experiences happiness growing in proportion to his acceptance. Joy, on the other hand, is a lasting, deeper state of being, created by conscious awareness.

“Okay, okay,” is phrase I’ve adopted from my grandniece that for me captures the emotional state of acceptance. It is a way to ground yourself in the moment and manage your emotions, similar to using affirmations like “all is well” or “this too shall pass.”

Mister and I have the privilege of having the time, inclination and opportunity to hang out with our grandniece quite often. Now 20 months old, she started utilizing the phrase, “okay, okay,” several months ago to self-soothe when experiencing uncomfortable emotions and situations. When it was time to transition from playing to getting her diaper changed, or when she fell off the edge of her slide and bumped her head on the carpeted floor. She’d resign herself, or dust herself off as the situation required, while repeating her mantra softly under her breath.

I find myself in awe at her ability to regulate her emotions at such a young age. I know many adults who lack her level of skill, maturity and awareness. I realize it is a result of her mother knowing it was possible to teach her daughter this valuable ability and her willingness to do so. I wonder, what kind of world could it be, if all parents had this knowledge to empower their children? If teachers and educational systems were grounded in these beliefs and values?

I’ve experienced pushback when I’ve expressed my opinion that accepting life as it is an integral aspect to achieve joy and peace. When I suggest we should let go of all expectations, things can really get heated. Most people misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting one shouldn’t strive to better themselves or set goals. I’m not advocating for laziness or low standards. I’m simply encouraging us to be at peace with life, ourselves and others, instead of in conflict with what is.

When I accept life as it is, it doesn’t mean I condone disrespectful behaviour, intolerance, or aggression. It means I’m aware that we all make mistakes. We can be compassionate and forgive, while still holding ourselves and others responsible. We can keep moving forward while being in acceptance of where we are right now, in the present moment.

When I let go of all expectations, it doesn’t mean I’m complacent or lacking in motivation. It means I’m aware that wishing any aspect of life to be different than it is, is futile. I have hopes, aspirations and intentions but I stay in peace when things don’t unfold as I imagined.

An example of acceptance can be illustrated in the simple and everyday experience of the weather. I can’t get over how many people waste so much time and effort complaining about the weather when there is nothing they can do about it. I have lived in extreme climates like the +50 heat of Saudi Arabian summers and the -50 freeze of Canadian winter. Yes, they are uncomfortable and challenging, but rather than get myself in a knot about it, I just say, “okay, okay,” crank up my heater or a/c, put on my parka or sunhat, and carry on with my day. Everything is okay, okay.

My peace and joy with who I am is an example of self-acceptance. I’ve learned not to judge myself or compare myself to others. I’ve also learned not to have expectations of who I should or shouldn’t be, and to let go of identifying with outer forms or labels to feel my self-worth. I recognize I am a work in progress, that I am doing and being my best. I am okay, okay.

When I find myself in a heated discussion with someone else who disagrees with my opinions, I take a deep breath and inside my head I say all is well. If the emotional climate feels too uncomfortable, I either change the subject, or walk away. Accepting others doesn’t mean you accept disrespectful behaviour, aggression or judgment, it just means they are okay, okay.

Observe the mental dialogue that is constantly going on in your head and choose to be quiet. Empower yourself to stop narrating your life and experience it. Be present to the sunrise and sunset. Life on earth will unfold as it will, regardless of how you choose to perceive it. Why not let go all expectations of how life should be and embrace acceptance? Everything is okay, okay.