Again and Again and Again
Photo credit: Sarah Cervantes
“When life gets harder, I get stronger.” ~ A.M. Horne
Persistent themes continue to crop up in my life and in my writing, so I’ve decided to accept the Divine nudge to examine them again from a new perspective. In May I’ll be writing about resilience, overcoming adversity, and transformation. In today’s blog, I’m kicking things off with a very personal and currently relevant post about resilience in the face of adversity.
For those of you who read my March 14th blog, Sandpaper Stories, you’re aware of my diagnosis of invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. I had the lumpectomy surgery and four lymph nodes removed on April 9th, and everything went really well. Better than expected. I was flying high, so grateful to have the cancer removed from my body and feeling almost back to normal when I got the call from my surgeon with the biopsy results on Tuesday.
Good news first: the tumour was small, a grade one diagnosis, which is the best possible. Dr. Inglis informed me that the margins were clear. The bad news? One of the lymph nodes has cancer. That means it is more advanced than we thought. I don’t have a clear picture of my next steps or a treatment plan until I meet with an oncologist in a few weeks, but it’s sounding like instead of only a short series of radiation, I might need chemotherapy too.
The word chemotherapy scares me. The phrase higher risk scares me. Not knowing how far the cancer has invaded my lymph nodes scares me. The uncertainty of what lies ahead, of how long I might be out of commission, throws a huge curveball. My heart is longing to travel, to spend time with my family abroad, especially my son and his fiancé, who live in Brazil and are expecting their firstborn baby boy at the end of June. But right now I can’t make any plans, and that is something that is extremely challenging for me.
So here I am, having to follow my own advice and remind myself that I am resilient. I re-read the guest post I wrote that was featured on Laura’s Books and Blogs, Rock of Resilience. The blog focused on the pillars of resilience that transformed Cate’s adversities into strength in my novel, The Holding. Her foundation was the same as mine—the unconditional love and acceptance of her family and her belief in God. I’m confident I’ve had to overcome enough adversity in my life to create the strength I need to get through this, but I still feel scared.
I believe that I am capable and I have the self-confidence to cope with the diagnosis and treatment for cancer. I am present to my gratitude and blessings, and yes, it’s very helpful to focus on the positive. I have a strong spiritual foundation, a rock-solid partnership with Mister, plus an incredible support system of family and friends that I know will bring comfort to me on this journey. I have a fantastic team of health professionals here in Winnipeg. I trust the process of life. I know I have everything I need to persevere. But I’m still scared.
When I close my eyes, unwanted images of evil cartoon-like cancer cells invading my entire body enter my mind. I visualize them as puke-green, spikey balls with black angry eyes, rolling through my lymphatic system like bowling balls determined to get a strike. I think of my grown children, without a mother to treasure them like I do. I picture my unborn grandson, without a grandma to dote on him like I will. I imagine my mother, devastated to outlive her daughter. I see Mister’s destitute face, looking lost without his Noah’s Ark partner.
Everything in my rational mind tells me I’m being dramatic. This is still a bump in the road to jump over, just a little higher than I was prepared for. I remember my mindfulness tools, my optimistic mindset, and my serious resilience CV. I believe the words, “when life gets harder, I get stronger.” And still, I’m scared. Again and again and again.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.