Becoming a Grandma
Photo Credit: Gaby Fishman Fosbery
“When I looked at and held the baby, I felt I was floating, that I was on a high.... I keep wanting to burst into song… when a grandmother holds the baby, her brain, like a new mother's, can also be drenched in the bonding hormone oxytocin. We grandmas literally, actually fall in love.”
~ Lesley Stahl
September’s theme is seasons, cycles and transitions, which aligns perfectly with where I am at, becoming a grandma for the second time. The first time around I had the privilege of being present for my grandson’s arrival into the world, as I lived in the same community as my oldest daughter at the time. This time I am calling Winnipeg my home, while my son and his partner are stationed in Brazil. On top of the travel hurdles, Mister and I have been battling a few big health challenges. Bottom line, I wasn’t there at his birth. But I am now.
The first morning after I arrived, my son emerged from his room carrying his new baby in his arms. I felt instantly transported back in time, to the day of my son’s birth thirty-two years ago. When my son passed my grandson to me, as Lesley Stahl described, I felt I was floating. A warmness spread throughout my body, lighting me up from within. Tears of joy welled in my eyes as I stared into his—which are like pools of dark, clear, blue water—easy to drown in.
Within moments, it felt like we already knew one another, at least in some primal, intuitive way. Over the following days, we would come to know one another on a deeper level as we connected in the language of presence. I found myself continuously propelled back in time, memories of my experiences as a mother, aunt, and grandmother all colliding together.
A precious ritual I chose to continue as a hand-off from his other Granny, of early morning quiet time, just the two of us, is a gift that I treasure and look forward to every day. Weekdays, when Daddy has to get ready for work, he brings the little bundle to me so that Mummy can get a few extra winks. We play and snuggle and change his nappy. We stare at one another, chatting and smiling. He’s three months old now and seems to change so fast. It may not be as visible, but I feel as though I have been changing at a rapid rate too.
My transition to grandma has encompassed more than I anticipated. It isn’t just about my grandson and I getting to know one another. There is the art of practicing healthy boundaries, living in the same home with my son and his partner. There is the joy, mixed with effort, of getting to know my son in his new role as father, and both parents in new, more intimate ways.
In the early morning hours last Saturday, Mister arrived, adding yet another dimension. Each couple has their own ways of doing things, not always the same, and there is an art of negotiation involved that requires us to be open and honest in our communication. Fortunately, we are all committed to being respectful and patient, so there haven’t been too many sticky situations. We’re also avid readers and strivers, who make being and doing our best a priority.
I’m reading Matrescence, by Lucy Jones, and it has been a great resource. The author presents current scientific research as well as her personal experiences of motherhood. I don’t agree with all of Lucy’s positions on parenting, but her perspective has been invaluable for informing me about how approaches to raising children change constantly and dramatically over time. As a society we can be so obsessed over doing everything the “right” way, and yet it’s clear to me there are so many wonderful ways, each with their own advantages and disadvantages.
Reading Matrescence has taken my empathy for new parents, especially mother’s, to an all-time high. There is so much pressure on mother’s to be perfect and selfless—to the point of ignoring their own basic needs when they conflict with those of the baby. In our modern, first-world culture, we don’t have the social supports of extended family, and there is a huge problem of isolation. The incidence of post-partem mental health disorders is increasing at an alarming rate.
Part of my transition to becoming a grandma has been figuring out how to make time for myself and my needs. I am a nurturer at heart, and the call to cuddle and soothe my grandson can easily override mealtimes, showers, and connection with other people. It’s been harder to make my writing and exercise goals a priority. Yet every day I see progress. My boundaries and balance are both improving over time. I know without question, I will treasure this time for always.
While my brain remains drenched in the intoxicating hormones of oxytocin, I am figuring out how to navigate my new role of grandma. Mister’s support and his desire to create a strong relationship as a grandpa has been an incredible gift. I appreciate him in myriad of ways, and being a team again has felt amazing. Still, there are moments when each of us reaches our “expiry dates.” Thankfully, it’s not at the same time.
I can flip from over-the-moon exaltation to complete and total exhaustion and overwhelm in the blink of an eye—just as quickly as a three-month old can switch from smiling and cooing to wailing when a wave of gas, hunger, or fatigue comes over him. We don our super sleuth hats to try and discern the source of his discomfort, but there are times when it remains a mystery and we just have to manage the best we can.
Becoming a grandma is a huge transition. I feel forever changed, as though my DNA has been altered. I’ve fallen in love with a new and uniquely special human being. I feel closer to my son, and more connected to the cycles of seasons of life. I am perceiving the world around me with a new perspective of appreciation, gratitude, and awe of the miracle of creation.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am still determined, pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.