Come on Home

“After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.” ― Judith Lewis Herman

Today’s musing blog is an example of being hurled out of your comfort zone against your will, due to circumstances beyond your control. I’m sharing a therapy session scene from my psychological drama, The Trials of Alex Anderson. It’s a story that explores the relationship between trauma and mental illness and is a testimony to how far the human mind can bend to protect itself. I hope it gives you pause, dear reader, to open your heart with compassion.

“Alex, you’re here, right on time, as usual,” Judy says, opening the door to her office wide and motioning for me to enter.

            “Yeah, I’ve got to admit, I’m super jazzed to get started,” I say.

            “That’s fantastic,” Judy says. “Such a huge improvement in your attitude and motivation. I can hardly believe the success you’ve achieved in only a few months by reframing your negative thought patterns and making your affirmations a daily practice.”

            “Thanks,” I say. “I couldn’t have done it without your guidance.”

            “I only provide the pathway, you take the steps,” Judy says. She takes a seat behind her desk and opens a file. “Why don’t we get right to work? I believe we were going to examine some of the statements you’ve made that demonstrate inaccurate and negative self-talk around your ability to become a successful author?”

            “Yeah, my vanity mirror is already overflowing with sticky-note affirmations, but I’m ready to overcome this hurdle and embrace my dreams, of becoming a bestselling science fiction novelist,” I say.

            “That’s the attitude,” Judy says. She scans her notebook, then pauses, her finger pressed to the paper. “Let’s start with this one, “I’m a loser with zero creativity and not one original idea worth writing about.”

The words are barely out of her mouth when I feel the familiar sensation of walking in a fog, in the In-between. I’m floating up, up, up. I stop from a vantage point on the ceiling, looking down. I see the top of Judy’s head; her smooth, silky hair; the part a perfect straight line. I see myself. But it isn’t me, it’s him.

“Fuck you,” Alan says. “If there’s a loser in the room, it’s you, with your fresh from the drycleaners suit-dress and expertly applied face. You might be able to hide behind your carefully constructed veneer from Alex, but I see the real you as plain as that fake Rembrandt on the wall behind you.”

Alan sits taller than I would. He leans forward in his chair, his chin jutting out, his shoulders squared. The posture of a bully. It’s the first time he’s shown up in a session with Judy. She looks surprised, her eyes wide as saucers, but only for a few seconds. 

“Who am I speaking to?” Judy says. “Is this Alan?”

“No duh, Einstein,” Alan says. “I can see why needle-head pays you the big bucks. You should probably get used to seeing me instead of that fuck-up I have to share a body with. I plan to eradicate him completely and when I do, you can be certain I won’t be resuming these bullshit cry-baby sessions.”

“Hello Alan,” Judy says, her voice as calm and cool as the Dalai Lama himself. “I’m glad to finally meet you.”

Alan is smirking, his top lip pulled back in a ghoulish grin. Then Judy comes around the side of her desk to stand right in front of him, perhaps only six inches between them. She puts her hands on her hips and stares at him with an intensity I’ve never witnessed before.

“Don’t kid yourself Alan,” Judy says. “You’re not going to annihilate Alex. You were created by him. Your entire identity is his response to a trauma that no longer exists. The best chance for your survival is to integrate, to become a part of him; a unified whole.”

I see Alan shudder and squirm in his seat, like a kid caught red-handed by the teacher with the cheat sheet for an exam. Judy continues to stare at him, yet somehow past him.

“Alex,” Judy says. “It’s okay for you to come back. You’re safe here.” Judy reaches for my hand. I expect Alan to slap her or at least pull his hand away, but it’s like he’s in a trance. Judy lifts my hand and holds it up to our eye level.

“See, Alex?” Judy says. “You’re a grown man. You’re not a helpless little boy anymore. You’re the captain of your ship, remember? You survived. You’re strong. Come on home.”

I feel the tug. Like an invisible thread is pulling me back to my body. I feel the intensity, like an ocean wave crashing against me and knocking me over, tumbling in somersaults through salt water and sand. I move from the In-between of the forest, through the force shield, back into my body. I feel my substance. The weight of my skin and bones like an old favourite blanket.

“Hi,” Judy says. “Welcome back.”

“You’re incredible,” I say. I shake my head and look around the room, disoriented with thick brain fog. “I’ve never been able to choose when I come back. God, Judy, I…”

“That was all you,” Judy says. “You just need someone to witness and affirm, but you’ve got this Alex.”

I sit there in silence for a few long moments. I trust Judy, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing this space with Alan. These sessions are for me. Then I remember, we were about to do some important work.

“Do we still have time to work on those affirmations?” I say.

Judy laughs and looks down at her watch.

“You still have fifteen minutes left, but I think you should let yourself rest and recover,” Judy says. “How about I play some meditation music?”

“No way, I don’t feel like relaxing,” I say. “I’m ready to get to work.”

“Okay, you’re the boss,” Judy says. She laughs again. I love her laugh. It’s so soft and pure. She goes back to her desk and sits down, then looks at her notebook. “You were about to create a positive affirmation to replace the negative statement I read, using the DBT techniques we’ve been working with, just before Alan showed up. Do you remember?”

“Oh, yeah, I remember,” I say.

“Can you describe how you feel about yourself right now, in this moment?” Judy says.

“Well, I admit, I still feel a little out of my league, but I’m not a loser,” I say. “I don’t know how creative I am, but I did earn a university degree with a major in English, and I received some pretty decent marks. I got some good feedback from some of my English professors, and I was accepted into the Master’s program. So, I am capable.”

“Okay, good,” Judy says. “Can you write down a statement that summarizes that succinctly?”

I pick up my pen and write down a few words in my therapy notebook. I scratch out one, then add another.

“I think this nails it,” I say, only a few minutes later. “I am creative, intelligent and capable.”

“Love it,” Judy says. “You’re really catching onto this whole process. Ready for the next one?”

By the end of the session, I have five fresh sticky note affirmations to add to my collection and I’m feeling on fire. I can hardly wait to get back to my apartment and start writing my novel, but I have work in an hour, so it will have to wait.

COMING UP…

Books & Projects:

·      All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.

·      I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.

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