Feeling Inspired to Facilitate Healthy Relationships
“With one heart and one mind, we commit to help one another, to forgive one another, and to love one another with respect, honesty and courage.” ~ Songhees Nation, 2023
Recently I watched a surprisingly compelling documentary on Netflix titled Stutz, by Jonah Hill. The intent of the film was to share the insights that Jonah’s psychiatrist, Phil Stutz, has gained through his practice and to present the viewer with some tools for coping with life’s challenges. While some of the humour was lost on me, and the use of profanity felt somewhat superfluous, there were some worthwhile take-aways. Phil’s advice on active love and repairing relationships will be a spring board to unpack this month’s blog theme; discerning healthy relationships.
In the documentary film, Hill and Stutz talked about a construct called the maze. Essentially, it describes our human propensity to get stuck in the past. They spoke about how our quest for fairness can put our lives on hold and distract us from focusing on things we can do something about, in the present. They explored how, when humans feel wronged, they feel justified in becoming angry. That emotional response gets in the way of them moving forward.
“Mom, I’m really disappointed and sad,” Celeste begins. “I told you back when you made the decision to move to Riyadh that I didn’t want you to go, that I need you to be here to support me. To help me raise Oliver. I so wanted you to be a bigger part of his life, especially once I saw the deep bond you two created.”
“I know,” says Cate. “I grappled with the decision to go for those same reasons. But Ethan didn’t get the job at Transport Canada, and this opportunity seemed like the best choice for us, for our future and our retirement.”
“But what about family?” Celeste persists. “You always say your family is the most important thing to you, but this choice doesn’t reflect that at all.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” says Cate. “I didn’t think I had to choose between the two. I thought that with our three holidays a year and FaceTime connection, we could make it work.”
Celeste tells her that it isn’t working for her. They both cry tears of grief, their hearts in deep pain. Celeste feels abandoned, but Cate doesn’t know how to fix it. They vent their feelings, but nothing is resolved. They walk back in silence, a wall of pain between them.”
This passage, taken from my first novel, The Healing, shows how expectations and “shoulds” can get in the way when life doesn’t unfold the way we think it will. Most of us see the choices of others from the lens of our own perspective, of what we want and need. It’s difficult for us to walk in someone else’s shoes, to show compassion and understanding for their choices. Instead, we hold onto our anger and drive the very thing we desire further away. We create our own suffering, while blaming someone or something else.
However, even when we’re aware of how we might be sabotaging a relationship, it can be extremely challenging to change our behavior. I recently listened to a podcast on Quest for Wellbeing with Valeria T. Koopman and Anna Khandrueva, that gave an interesting perspective. Anna shared information about attachment styles that sheds insight into the reasons that can shape how we engage in relationships.
The four styles that Anna identified are secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. According to Anna, attachment styles are formed in childhood, but can change over time. People can also have more than one style, depending on the relationship.
A person with a secure attachment style is comfortable with intimacy and has healthy boundaries. Someone with the avoidant style builds walls around intimacy and often has difficulty forming and holding onto partnerships. The anxious style lacks confidence and sees judgment where there is none. The disorganized style results from trauma in childhood and combines unhealthy aspects of both avoidant and anxious attachment.
Imagine two adults who both endured childhood trauma trying to engage in relationship with one another from the disorganized mindset. It’s pretty clear how difficult it would be, with both people insecure, questioning, anxious, and unable to create strong boundaries. I think this was likely the case with Celeste and Cate, my characters in the novel, The Healing.
The good news is that human beings are highly adaptable and resilient by nature. We can change. We can learn new ways of interacting. We can heal from the trauma of the past, to step fully into the present. There are so many healing modalities to choose from. There are courses and self-help tools, from online tutorials to old school paperbacks in bookstores. Therapists and healers have access to a plethora of techniques, including talking, art, hypnosis, EMDR, QHHT, past-life regression, multi-sensory techniques and digital storytelling. For many of us, a strong spiritual practice and connection to the Divine provides the foundation for our recovery.
If you’re feeling stuck in your ability to discern how to be in healthy relationships in general, or with someone specific you’ve become disconnected to, I hope that reading this blog will inspire you to explore the path of healing that resonates most deeply for you. If you’re one of the fifty percent of people who grew up in loving homes, without trauma, who have the secure attachment style, perhaps reading this will elevate your compassion and empathy for those of us not as fortunate.
My most fervent wish is for all of us to learn how to love ourselves and one another better. I dream of a world where we support one another to become the best versions of ourselves, the masterpiece that God created us to become.
So yeah, I’m feeling inspired to facilitate healthy relationships.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
Reviews & Interviews:
· May 28: Author Q&A Interview with Indie View
· TBD: Author Q&A with Sarah at Reading Nook
· TBD: The Rogue Scorpion Review on Readers’ Favorite
· TBD: The Rogue Scorpion Review on The Book Commentary
· June 24: Author interview with Bren Masson on Freshwaves Radio
· TBD in July: The Rogue Scorpion Review by Molly Rockwood @ Rockwood Editing
· You can read reviews or listen to interviews on my website.
Events:
· Currently there are no events scheduled
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.